This is something I wrote on my iPod at work, usually during bathroom breaks, not super original and gets stale towards the end, i tend to write better beginnings and middles than anything else. Heavily influenced by drugs and Douglass Adams, enjoy.
Synopsis: fresh out of college kid with shit job, office clerk or large company bitch, smokes drinks parties etc. One night out on a burn ride with some friends (2 the same age, in similar life position by with different jobs) get really fucked up on backroads and encounter alien, alien is friendly, smoke herb with him and crew, in exchange they bestow abilities on the three stoners, all anilities are just party tricks tothe alien, showsthem all how to do stuff while all fucke up and laughing about it. enhancing their weakest traits, kid with classes gets super vision (telescopic, xray, and heat (explained by ability to collect photons in eyes and release blasts, basic control of light particles, learns to do more and more with this power). The second kid is heavy so he learns to control gravitons, able to move things without touching them, gets stronger and stronger as he learns more. Third kid can do something with antimatter, or quantum locality ( teleport but at first can't control it). At first decide to work on their powers, including montage with eye of the tiger, classic rocky style hints at them becoming heroes, end of montage three of them using their powers to smoke herb more lazily, graviton moves bowl over to couch, quantum pops out then in with a bag, heat vision replaces lighter. Eventually the three become more bold and less moral with their liftin skirts, seeing thru walls, then to rolling we'd dealers, then banks, etc.
One of them meets girl, sexy nerdy redhead. She finds out about powers and gets all excited then later finds out what they have been usi them for, confronts them, battle between two of them ad the one with re girl. girl gets killed in scrap then the 3rd guy goes nuts.
Open set up shot car driving down Dirt road, dusk.
Neil (driving, stocky athletic brown hair blue eyes, beard.).
Dan (front passenger tall thin, but not lanky blondish, very Swedish looking)
Nick (Half black half white, big talker, medium sized)
Neil: ok, so then what happened?
Nick: what do you think happened? I had my dick out and she was just looking at it like shed never seen one before, I was just Layin back expecting some fucking dome.
Dan (licks joint, rolls it) right you said that. So then she's lookin all unsure or what?
Nick: well I used that phrasing for a reason, turns out she really hadn't ever seen a dick before. And literally had no idea what to do next. And need j remind you of my blackness? Hahaha
Dan (sparks joint, inhales deeply) please dont, I've had more than enough involuntary eyefuls of that (exhales thick cloud) fuckin charred Kielbasa. (slight cough)
Neil: (takes joint from Dan and pulls) hahaha you traumatized that poor girl! I'm pretty sure I've seen that porno online and in real life you are way more likely to just go to prison rather than end up with an awesome story and exciting new STD.
Dan: in pretty sure she's the one who'd come out of it a few crabs heavier. (assists passing joint to nick in back seat) and hey, no yigger Lippin that shit.
Nick: (receives joint) you do know that shit is way more offensive than actually saying nigger right? (pulls on joint)
Neil: so can we just say nigger then?
Nick: (coughing) fuck no.
Dan: shut up, you're only half offended anyway, the other half thinks the oppression is hilarious.
Nick(deadpan): I am just torn up about it. (passes joint)
Dan : so she freak out or what?(reaches for joint)
Nick: not really, story's got a better beginning than end or middle. Basically she just unenthusiastically playe with it for a little bit then tried to give me head. I know sex is supposed to be like pizza but this was the 6 day old gas station pizza of head.
Dan: ooooh metaphor? (exhales cloud)
Nick: yup, you can keep it under a heat lamp all you want but if no one takes an interest to put it in their mouth It will just end up floppy and ... Fuck... I had something better. Whatever she sucks at sucking dick.
Neil: I bet shes shitty at anal too.
The three laugh together, Dan passes joint to Neil, drops it.
Neil: dammit dude.
Dan: oh come on that was all you and your sausage fingers.
Neil: get it man I'm driving, and even though I'm already high as tits we need to smoke thaaaat. Is that smoke right there? Don't let it cherry my floor this is a classic.
Nick: classic piece of shit. But yeah ge that I wanna lick the goddamn sky tonight. work was bullshit today. We had a ton of extra shit to do cuz one driver got fired.
Dan (digging around for joint): whatd he do to get fired?
Nick: haha you will love this shit, this guy is generally a fuck up, shopping on the clock banging sluts in his truck, and just being a shitty worker. Which isn't all thy big a deal, last Friday though, he though it would be funny to plasic wrap this other guys car at work. But-
Dan: got it (blows hair and dust off joint, puffs a dew times to relight it) that's it?
I
Nick: definitely not. He saves the rubber from whatever slut he railed that day and stuffed it under the door handle to this guys car.
Neil: ......
Nick: yeah. Fucking gnarly. So they shitcanned his ass.
Dan: wow, so what the boss man saw the condom thing go down, and the got the ball rolling?
Nick: naw man, I don't know all the details but from what I've heard the guy who's car got the skeet skeet didn't say anything, I definitely would have. I'm not tryif de get some guys nut on my hands.
Neil: so how did it get up the ladder?
Nick: some other guy just straightup ratted him out. Apparently this guy had, years ago probably, been working with his dad and brother, the two brothers both work for us right now, But the younger brother who ratted out the jizz guy also ratted on his own dad to get a promotion.
Neil: snitches get stitches. Let's bake this beotch.
Dan: word negro.
Nick: man fuck you guys.
All three crack up laughing.
Car is parked on side of dirt road, smoke creeping out of small holes in car, hear coughing, cam view from rear of car looking out over road ahead. Inaudible dialogue from inside car, headlights appear closer to car than if driving down road.
From inside car: shit shit shit!!! Open the fucking windows, clear out that smoke. Who the fuck would e out here right now? Goddammit!!!
Lights grow brighter really fast, more lights pop on around and behind and under, lights all over the place.
Neil (to self): Arite arite, this is not a big deal, it's probably some other stoney baloneys, nothing to worry about, they are gonna drive right past us and everything will be cool.
Nick (to self): fuck this man if I get caught mom is gonna murder me, god dammit dammit dammit.
Dan (pulls hood over face, to self): whooooooo lives in a pineapple under thee sea... Spongebob squarepants, absorbabt and yellow and porous is he, spongebob squarepants...(muffles self, continues song)
Neil: cut the shit man, don't over react!!
Blue lights begin to flash from oncomin vehicle.
Dan(calmly from inside hood, peeking out at lights): I think I am reacting exactly to the situation we are in. We have like a qp of weed between us... That's felony shit... I think. I don't know but thinis just bad.
Neil: guys, in case we are getting fucked right now, I just though you should know...
Nick: oh what now man, we ain't dying what are you gonna confess, you like dudes? You secretly like to dress as a lady?
Neil: I'm glad to see you still have a sense of humor right now, but what I was goin to say, (coughs) is that I have another 2 or 3 more felonies worth of liquid acid in the car right now.
Stunned silence from the other two, slowly look to Neil.
Dan: (from hood, one eye peeking out, deadpan) you have gotto be fucking kidding me.
Lights get closer, blues change from trad cop style lights to a whiter kore peaceful color but still flashing like cops. Car stops door opens (just audible) shot from behind kids car looking over it to cop obscured by the bright lights.
Neil: shit shit shit shit. Shit. Fucking shit. Ok we are gona get busted for weed that's just fine, as long as we stay cool he won't have reason to really screw us. Right?
As Neil talks a figure approaches the car, taps on glass as neil finishes, flashes light into car . Neil slowly reachesto roll Dow. Window. Window finally gets down, cop pauses, builds tension.
Cop (strange southern accent, all you can see are huge aviators and thick moustache): well, well, looks like-
(gets cut off/internodes by Dan who says loud and monotone from inside hood, quick and matter of factly)
Dan: WE DON'T HAVE ANY LSD.
( everyone freezes, silence, only see the lights flashing o. Their faces from outsidethe windshield)
Cop: I'm going to ask you to step out of the vehicle boys. (cop pauses again) Y'all are fucked. (moustache twitches to show his smug asshole grin)
Cop steps back, waits expectingly.
Hear rustling, biys are hiding paraphernalia, Doors slowly open, boys step out shamefully, very quiet.
Cop: do y'all know why I stopped you and asked you to exit yalls vehicle?
Nick: cuz I'm black?
Dan: dude shut up.
Cop: you think this is a joke you little porch monkey? (tips glasses up peers at nick) you ain't even all black, is ya? Haha.
Nick looks pissed
Cop: I stopped you because of the smell of drugs in your vicinity, could you explain that to me please.
Neil: we were smoking cannabis officer.
Cop: well right to the point, that's commendable son, however it is still against the law. Do I need to search the vehicle or will you make a responsible decision hand it over voluntarily?
Dan: we can get t for you sir.
Cop (quickly and with anger): I am an officer of the law and will be addressed as such.
Dan: Sorry officer, we can get it for you.
Dan moves to search car.
Cop: Come on now you two help out your friend yalls in this together now.
The three duck their heads into the car and start pulling out bags and paraphernalia. Turn around cop is gone.
Neil: what the fuck?where did he go?
Dan: who gives a shit? Let's fucking roll.
Three get into car, about to start it, now regular headlights appear.
Guys wait in car, headlights stop ahead of them, door opens, beautiful woman silhouette steps out, saunters to car.
Woman(like a real life Jessica rabbit): excuse me boys, i am so very lost and was hoping you could point me in tw direction of a gas station?
Dan: ...uhhhhh.... (dumbfounded)
Neil: ...it's.... (stunned)
Nick: what's up honey, you wanna blaze? (pulls neatly rolled joint out of no where, lights it up)
Woman leans in, pushing cleavage out, says in cops voice: y'all really that fucking dumb?
Nick: what the fuck?!?!
Neil: oh come on!
Dan: ....its....
Woman starts laughing switching between her voice, cop voice, and other in recognizable languages, accents. She disappears into night shadows. Guys looking out windows freaking out.
Dan: can we please get the hell out or here?!
Neil: yes, we can definitely make that happen. (tries to turn on car, won't start) come on sweetheart please help me out right now, I know you can do it. (pets dashboard and whispers to steering wheel, quickly becoming more frustrated, ends up yelling) fucking shitbox car, fuck you hitler! Fucking kraut bitch with his shitty people's car. Fucking cock!!
Nick and Dan both look terrified, nicks face changes, steps out of car.
Nick: fick this let's go get her!
Dan: are you fucking kidding me? ThAt is some black magic juju bullshit. I'm staying right here.
Nick: first I'm gonna light this j then I'm goin after whatever the fuck that was. ( brings torch to joint, puffs twice, cloud of smoke obscures face, web smoke clears the cop is right behind him.
Cop: y'all gonna pass that or what?
Nick ( looks behind him and calmly passes joint to cop): 'ere
Cop: thanks boy, (rips joint, cherry gets super bright, exhales cloud of smoke obscuring face, when smoke clears it's the woman again) this shit ain't half bad, (slight cough)
All thee just stare at woman/cop, can't help but look at here tits. She notices.
Woman: oh haha arite I forgot I was still doin this, one second.
The three are stunned silent, can't understand what is going on.
Woman puffs on the j a few more times then lets out a huge cloud of smoke.
New voice from smoke cloud: ready? This may freak you out a little bit. (smoke clears) tada!!
Out of smoke appears a small reddish creature, bipedal, lanky, largish head, very typical alien style. Speaks casually, no accent to distinguish it. Soft exterior, casual clothes, different from earth materials but covers the same areas.
Alien: hey... So whaddya think?
All three start talking simultaneously, each finishes in alone, alien responding to each in kind without being listened to.
Dan: ...it's...A goddamn alien. There is no way that out of all the people on earth, 7 billion people, us three stony baloneys find a goddamn alien.
Alien: 7 billion, that's it? Damn our intel was way off, the way you guys Burn thru fuel we estimated at least 12 billion.
Neil: I'm dreaming, or tripping, did we eat that acid earlier? Come on guys if you dosed me it is time to tell me.
Alien: acid?
Nick: what happened to that dimepiece? Without question the finest tits I have ever seen.
Alien: what you mean these? (morphs chest into redhead's breasts, sticks them out showing off) you like em?
Three stand in silence staring at small red alien with perfects rack.
Dan: I'm just so confused right now...
Nick: can I have that joint back? I seriously need to medicate.
Alien: yeah sure, what I this stuff? (passes j back to nick)
Nick (takes joint, puffs it): this? This is called barrel of monkeys. My own special blend, og kush crossed with northern lights, then took that and made a super hybrid with a sharks breath and sour diesel cross, it took a few generations to get the balance right but now the seeds are pretty stable and I've been selling those for serious cash haha, but the bud itself is just perfect, an upper high that takes a few minutes to really kick in so by the time you get up o do something, whatever that something is, it will be a fuxking barrel of monkeys.
Alien: what?
Neil: it's called cannabis, it's a plant and it gets you high.
Alien: high?
Neil: High is good.
Alien: is that what I'm feeling right now?
Dan: hard to say if your brain has the same cannabinoid receptors as the human brain, but judging by the silly ass grin that just slid onto your face you are pretty high already.
Nick and Dan laugh, Neil takes puff of joint, passes it around.
Alien: so Is this what you guys do down here? Breathe this stuff?
Dan: there's a lot more to life down here than just smoking herb, but us three generally include it in most of our activities, haha.
Nick: so... What's your name dude? I'm nick, this is Neil, and the guy inside the hood is Dan.
Alien: well in your language I guess my name sounds a bit like "ahrtholopotis". But that's a really general simplification of the sounds I'm actually making.
Dan: how about we call you Artie?
Artie: works for me Dan. Grab some more of that monkey tree and come with me, I've got some cool stuff to show you guys on my cruiser.
DAn: you aren't going to... Like probe us... In our asses or anything right?
Artie: uhm, what?
Dan: that's th story man, anyone who encounters aliens or whatever Always says they were probed and stuff.
Artie: I mean, if you want something in your ass I'm sure there are some acceptably shaped items out here somewhere, but I'm not going to be apart of that. Chances are most of those humans were either dreaming really vividly or got picked up by some over zealous buzzers.
Nick: buzzers?
Artie: ther are lots of planets like yours that don't have the whole space travel thing quite down yet, most of them don't k ow if they are the only I habited planet out there. Buzzers are sort of interplanetary practical jokers.
Dan: whom apparently have an affinity for ass play.
Discuss how he leaned language, advance civi brainwave detection kinda like babelfish
Discussions on evolution, same process on his planet, religion Is laughable, superstition but only a far as casual colloquialisms. Drinks smokes parties.
Fat bing rip "LETS DO THIS!!!". Lose shit coughing
Gets pulled over. Yells facing forward
"WE DON'T HAVE ANY LSD"
Run into local out in woods, Eddie page style french mainer.
Climax: fired employee comes back to work for rampage, three guys save the day.
Alien shapeshifts only can assume things he has witnessed, from tv movies actually seeig etc.
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